Friday, August 3, 2012

Reflections


 Dear Self,
I have always loved to read. My choice of literature has never been fancy or "deep". Dave always jokes with me that I am a closet fantasy reader. My favorite series will always be Harry Potter. It was the first big chapter book that I remember reading. I can vividly remember reading it one summer during the Olympics sitting on the couch at Bear Lake. Since having Addison I haven't really had the draw to read as much as I used to. I am too tired and chose to mindlessly watch tv on Netflix all night long or surf facebook. I hate the rut that I feel after those nights when I really haven't done much. It allows my mind to wander on all the moments that day when I feel like I let Addison down or talking to much at Dave instead of listening to him. Dave being gone to Syracuse has been a lot harder on me than I ever thought it would. I have always thought that I was capable of being independent( I am sure all my siblings would laugh that I would even think that). I  love being with family and have really relied on my family this past year with being a new mom. The past 6 weeks that Dave has been gone I have been full of constant fear. I worry not knowing the area that he is in and what he goes home to. It has been difficult to "grow up" and go through these steps to further our future. I started to feel like it was a weakness that I was visiting a family member almost every week. All I could talk about or think about was how hard being a single mom is. How hard my life is right now. I feel bad for every way that I have chosen to spend the day with Addison. I go to bed hoping that by some miracle Addison will sleep in til noon and I can have a day to myself.

I never write down these kinds of feelings and am feeling very private about expressing them on my family blog. I have been reading Heaven Is Here by Stephanie Nielson. I have read her blog here and there and have been touched by her story and her journey to recovery. I rarely start sobbing while reading a book...I take that back Nicolas Sparks, Dear John  really got me:) Anyway, I know it is probably a cliche, but reading this book is changing my perspective on how I handle my days. I laid in bed last night reading til a ridiculous late hour and found myself bawling into Dave's pillow. Sometimes it just feels really good to cry loud and hard when no one is around. I read a part in the book where Stephanie felt the presence of her grandmother helping her to safety. I started to think to myself. I don't write about spiritual things on here and they really are a big part of who I am. My mind wandered back to the evening I delivered Addison. I want my family to know that miracles do happen to everyone and that by sharing them we can draw strength from one another.

I am sure that as many people read Stephanie Neilson's book they will be drawn to reflect on their own kind of miracles. Here is mine. I remember laying there and feeling like I couldn't handle one more set of pushes. I was utterly exhausted both physically and emotionally. I wanted to crawl in a ball and make everyone go away. When I think of Dave during these moments I remember seeing worry in his eyes. This was something that I had never felt or really seen in him. I always joke with him that he is dead inside. My mom looked tired and I knew she was feeling empathy towards me and the long day that it had been. For a split second I felt relief I felt like I was looking at the room from a different view. I pleaded with my Heavenly Father to take this moment away. That I knew I wouldn't been given anymore than I could handle and I was fearful that He had forsaken me. It went away as quickly as it came, but I will never forget the way that it made me feel. I felt an overwhelming sense of strength that I was full of womanhood. That I was powerful and that God had created my body for moments like this. To bring special spirits into our home so that we could be a family here on earth. At that moment a woman in red scrubs entered the room. I still have no idea who she was or what purpose she played, but I know she was heaven sent. She looked me in the eyes and spoke with a thick Mexican accent that I still don't know if I fully understood her. She motioned  how to sit a little differently and with her hand pointed where to pull my energy from during the next push. She counted with my doctor on the next push and then she was gone. It all seems like such a blur and I am sad that I have waited to long to record this. I felt warmth surround me during the last few seconds of delivery. I didn't want to give up and I knew that end was near. I remember a feeling that I often draw near to when I am in need. It was my Grandma Thomson. She will always have a special place in my heart. She is in my dreams and often in my prayers I can feel her presence. I don't remember what role Dave played in coaching me I think it was all a bit of a surprise to both of us. I do know that we were a family then and that we were bening blessed by his worthy priesthood power. He was able to give me a blessing before I started pushing and I believe in that power that he administered.

I have been able to really think about my life and what is important. I know that staying true to my faith and harvesting a testimony with my Savior is what will really matter at the end of the day. It doesn't matter how many times I have picked up cheese ground in my carpet, emptied bags of snacks all over the clean kitchen, a new package of wipes thrown everywhere, a box of cereal emptied on the carpet, dirty dishes taken out of the dishwasher while trying to load or fighting to keep a bow in to match that perfect outfit. What does matter to me is that I have two hands that are capable to clean and handle all of those messes. I am blessed to be able to stay at home with Addison with out question from Dave. I know he supports me as a mother and I support him in his dream to be in the Air Force and to go to grad school in Buffalo, NY.

Stephanie Nielson embraces the help of her entire family. I used to think that this was a sign of someone who couldn't let their family go. Instead I feel so incredibly blessed at how much I have been able to see my family this past year. I have seen each of them already this year and it isn't even the holidays! I know I can be a good mother and that someday Addison will love being a big sister. For now I will take pride in changing a poopy diaper while wrestling a one year old from putting her foot in it. I will giggle as I find treasures that Addi has hidden under pillows and in book pages. I will rock her to sleep and not think about what I want to do when she is finally asleep. I will talk about Jesus and try not to cry when I see her fold her arms for prayer and say men for amen at the end. I am raising a future mother and I want her to have an example of the joys that it can bring.

Love, Em









June Amelia Waite for whom Addison June is named after. She looks beautiful here!

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