Just Life Happening Here

As I type my 10 month old is sitting up screaming her pretty little lungs out after being rocked for the 5th time. Addison has gotten up to go to the bathroom and dipped her backside in the toilet for fun and is now crying for her daddy. I am exhausted. That's all there is to it. I can't paint a nice picture of our day and so instead I am going to cry tonight. Most days with the littles lately seem just really hard. I can't get potty training to stick or even sort of spark with Miss Addison June. Some days I actually wonder if she just likes to pee on my floor for fun. Then just when I give up she runs upstairs and poops in the toilet on her own. I didn't have to run like a mad woman to get that turd to land in the toilet instead of in her princess pull up. Darn those fancy looking pull ups...they are so much cooler looking than panties. The disappearing flower on the front when she pees is just so inciting for a 3 year old. I am overwhelmed with this title of motherhood. I see Dave leave everyday in his fancy uniform and think of how accomplished he must feel. He helps keep people alive and pain free...I on the other hand feel as if I just cause pain!! Today I held my composure as I gripped Addison's hand and power walked out the grocery store with her screaming. It was like top of your lungs every one looking at you sympathetically screaming. I have never been so embarrassed in my life...including the time I pooped my pants in a store. Just when I thought I was going to close the car doors and walk away forever a nice man returned my shopping cart for me. Bless that man he saved my children from me going ape crap on them when I got in the car. I never spill feelings like this on our family blog because I want my family to look back and have happy memories. This is real life though and I want my family who reads this to know that most days in life are going to be hard. I miss my friends and life in Buffalo. I've never experienced this kind of ache after a move. I developed friendships and built trust with women that I don't feel like can happen twice. I miss being known. Trying to build who I am in a new place has made me feel like I've lost a lot of my good qualities. I feel closed off and lost. Dave and I each received callings and I am in a rut with mine. Dave got called to the YM presidency and an assistant scout master. He'll so great. He can compartmentalize his responsibilities and never stress or act overwhelmed with duties. I got called to teach RS once a month and be the RS activity meeting chair. I've never had a RS calling so I thought it would be a nice change. I thought for sure I was going to be put back in primary because that's what I know and what I'm good at. Our ward is full of a lot of older women and I just don't feel like I have much to offer. I will most likely stand up and cry through half my lesson just to kill time:) I miss being able to talk on the phone guilt free during the day. I haven't written on this blog in almost a month simply because life is too much for me. I'm in the process of meeting with a behavioral therapist for Addison. What does that even mean?! I'm not suppose to have a child who I have to go and do things like that for. I went to school for four years learning how to deal with this age and I can't even pull myself together enough to figure her out. When my children stop crying I will tip toe in their rooms and give them one last kiss as they sleep. It's that moment that my fiery feelings of my jumbled up life melt. I should be happy these days. I just came back from an almost 3 week vacation out west in which I got to see my whole family and some of Dave's. All I could think about while I was gone was that this is what it'll feel like when Dave gets deployed. It made me really sad and I had a really hard time shaking the feeling of loneliness at night. Eating Cafe Rio twice helped a little bit though:) I normally sit and recap vacations down to all the highlights and fun things we did. I'm not going to do that this time. Instead I am going to say that I'm grateful I had the opportunity to go to Bear Lake after 4 years with my whole family. That place has so many memories that my heart feels full every time I am there. I loved my Grandma June and she is there. I saw her red recliner and my heart twinged and I couldn't help but think of her bending over pulling weeds at Bear Lake. Addison and Avery were loved on by both sides of the family. We got to stay in Ashton for a few days and it's going to be a great place to visit. Addison runs wild when we're at Grandma Michael's house. I don't know what it is, but she goes into crazy mode. She loved playing with all the barbies and old dolls there. I remember loving getting out old toys at my Grandma June's house in the Summer. These are memories I'll never forget. Life was hard for me today and I'm sure tomorrow will present its challenges as well. I need to remember that I have a supportive spouse who lets me get a pedicure and eat skyline on those hard days. I love my family and I always will, but if everyone could behave that would be great too:) Here's to hoping that the parenting book I'm going to buy tomorrow is in stock...